


all the rest of my life

by marcasite



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But Cassian is kind of a Jerk in the beginning chapters, But he makes it up eventually, Cliffhanger, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Modern Era, Mutual Pining, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), They love each other, mentions of depression, mentions of grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-14 00:06:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15376374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marcasite/pseuds/marcasite
Summary: Chirrut stares at him, on the point of saying something, but when he nods silently Cassian turns away, to stop as he asks, “Will you follow her?”Cassian turns to watch Jyn at the bar, eyes tracing over every detail as if to imprint them into his memory. She is laughing at something Bodhi is saying; relaxed in a way that dares anyone to ruin this moment.“I don’t think so, Chirrut – she left for a reason and the way I treated her….she doesn’t owe me anything.” He looks back at the two men that have been his confidantes and his courage these last months and the corner of his mouth lifts in a small, sad smile.“And Jyn? Will you miss her?”“All the rest of my life.” He turns away, heading for the bar’s exit before anyone else can intercept him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Kara for the million comments and to Chris for always willing to chat and encourage.

It’s been two weeks. Two weeks of complete silence. Two weeks of no calls, texts, messages, nothing.

It’s the strangest thing.

It’s like he has fallen off the face of the earth and no one knows where he is. She’s called everyone; Kes and Leia included. She finally broke down and reached out to Kay whose only response had simply been to let her know that Cassian was fine and would be in touch when he could.

So, Cassian is fine and doesn’t want to talk to her?

It’s strange.

Jyn stares at her phone, willing it to chime in with a text message or even a missed call alert but it stares back at her, resoundingly blank.  Please, she thinks. Please call me.

She sighs and debates calling him again and leaving a voice mail. Would it be crazy if she swung by his place to check in on him? Two weeks ago, she wouldn’t have hesitated, their friendship so secure that it wouldn’t have even occurred to her to second guess herself.

But that was two weeks ago.

Should she text him one more time? I mean, something could really be wrong, and Kay was covering for Cassian. That would be like Kay since he dislikes her so much.

Once more voice mail, one more message, one more text.

Jyn bites her lower lip and tosses the phone down onto the table, purposely turning it face down.

He’s never done this to her, never not responded to her texts. In hindsight, their last conversation had been a tiny bit awkward, she just didn’t know how to tell him about Boston and instead spent the evening at the bar avoiding him in order to avoid having that conversation.

_“Hey stranger,” Cassian smiles at her. “Are you leaving soon?”_

_Jyn swallows hard. “Leaving? Who told you?”_

_Cassian takes in her crushed face and he leans forward in concern, “Told me what? I was wondering if you were leaving here soon.”_

_Cassian waves his hand, indicating the bar they were standing in._

_“Oh! Um...yeah. I was going to catch an Uber with Bodhi.”_

_“I can take you guys home.”_

_“No! No, really, it’s fine. Really. I don’t want you to go out of your way.” Was that a hint of disappointment on his face?_

_“Ok, I guess I’ll head out then. I’ll call you soon, Jyn.”_

She has already asked everyone if they told Cassian about Boston, but everyone has denied it, even Han who shouldn’t even know except he’s a shyster and found out when Leia accidentally slipped. So now everyone knows except Cassian and she bets that’s why he’s not returning her calls.

He’s done with her and now she knows.

She groans and grabs her phone again.

Maybe one more text.

 

 

+

 

 

“Have you talked to Cassian at all recently?”

Jyn is reading a magazine while glancing up at her foster brother, Bodhi who is glued to the match playing out on the television screen. She prods him with her foot, “Bodhi?”

“Huh, what?” Bodhi doesn’t turn to look at her.

“Have you spoken to Cassian today? Or even recently?”

“No, not in a while. Actually, didn’t he bail on Leia’s party this weekend?”

“Didn’t show up at all. Leia said that he didn’t actually say he wasn’t coming so she thinks he must have gotten caught up with something at work.”

Bodhi nods, still not diverting his attention from the screen. “Makes sense. Did you find out what it was?”

Jyn sighs, “That’s kind of the problem. I haven’t been able to get in touch with Cassian in almost two weeks. He hasn’t returned any of my texts or calls.”

That catches Bodhi’s attention. He turns to look at Jyn, brow furrowed in thought. “Um, that’s not like Cassian. You guys talk all day, every day. Did you call Kay?”

“Yes. Kay says Cassian is fine, just busy.” She puts the magazine down. “So, I guess we know he’s not in a hospital or lying in a field somewhere.”

“Nice, Jyn. So, go over there.” Bodhi’s already half turned back to the match.

“What if he’s…um, he is ditching us, me?” Jyn’s voice wavers just slightly before she clears her throat. “Two weeks for him to go MIA seems….unlike him.”

“What? Like ghosting on us? No way.” Bodhi turns back to Jyn and looks her in the eyes. “Go. Over. There. Trust me, there is no one who loves you more than Cassian does. He would never ditch you.”

He understands why Jyn is so nervous, he’s been in her life since he was six years old. Jyn’s parent’s, Galen and Lyra, had taken him in when his father died. After Galen and Lyra passed away suddenly when they were just ten, both had been taken in by a friend of Galen’s who had moved them all from London to New York. For six years, it was the three of them until one day, their foster father decided they could be on their own and left. Jyn doesn’t think too highly of Saw, their foster father, though Bodhi does speak to him from time to time.

For years, it was just the two of them, carving their way through school and then Uni. They had Galen’s trust and they had each other and that was always enough. While at Uni, Jyn and Bodhi started to collect a small circle of friends, for the first time expanding their trust beyond each other. There was Leia who had roomed with Jyn on campus and Leia’s ridiculous boyfriend, Han. Bodhi had to admit he liked Leia’s brother, Luke, a lot and was thrilled when he discovered they would be enrolling in the same flight school after graduation. Jyn started work at a data science firm and she expanded their circle of friends by forcing her co-worker Kes Dameron and his fiancée, Shara to join them at the local bar from time to time. In turn, they brought in Cassian Andor, a longtime friend of Kes’s and someone Jyn bumps into at the local gym occasionally.

Small coincidences.

Watching Cassian and Jyn together was like watching a planet and its moon orbiting around each other. Everyone could see there was just… _something_ there between the two of them but both seemed content to fall into a friendship, so Bodhi just let it go. But that attraction was a tangible thing, so there was no way Cassian was ghosting out on Jyn.

No way.

For the first time, both Jyn and Bodhi had a small family that they felt like they belonged to and he stopped worrying that she would always see them as the lonely outsiders trying to find a way in.

“Jyn, just go over there. You’ll feel better if you see him. I’m sure he’s caught up in some work stuff and you know Kay, he doesn’t understand that you could actually be worrying about Cassian.” Bodhi rolls his eyes when he thinks about Cassian’s roommate. He has never met anyone in his life who was more analytic and methodical about the smallest things.

“Ok, ok, I’ll go over there. I’ve really wanted to talk to him about the class in Boston and see what he thinks. I’m just not sure. And….I really just need to tell him.”

Bodhi winces at the mention of Boston, he knows what an opportunity this is for Jyn, a chance to take the grad classes she’s wanted to since she left Uni. He wants her to do it, wants her to move to Boston and has been actively encouraging her to accept. He knows she will love it, knows that the chance for her to do something that she has decided to do for herself, means something.

_It’s Boston, just three hours on the Acela and an hour if we fly. Not far at all!_

_It’s only for a year and you’ll be back for holidays._

_You’ll always have a home with me, whenever you want. You know that, Jyn._

He’ll miss her like crazy but he knows _he_ is not the reason she is hesitating.

Jyn stands up and heads to her room to change. “Thanks, Bodhi.”

Bodhi’s attention has already shifted back to the game.

 

 

+

 

 

He’s still not answering his phone and Jyn knows that she should just let this go. She knows that going down this path is only going to cause her some pain in some shape or form and she should protect herself and walk away.

But this is Cassian, someone she has grown to care for, very much. He is the first one she wants to turn to in any situation and she has already acknowledged to herself that he means so much more to her than just as a simple friend. So, she knows she is going to start down this path because he means that much to her.

Even if he doesn’t see her in the same way.

She is worried about him; has texted him, called him and left countless voicemails and it’s been _two_ weeks with no response and that is just too long.

_Two weeks._

In the two years that she has known Cassian, he’s never gone more than a day (ok maybe two) without reaching out to her or texting her.

_Two weeks._

It’s why she finds herself standing outside of the flat Cassian shares with Kay; nervous and unsure. She texted him before she left, warning him that she was coming over and no response. She almost didn’t expect one.

But now that she is here, she is second guessing everything.

What if he did find out about Boston and is mad at her for letting him be the last to know? Or even worse, what if he knows about Boston and doesn’t really care?

Ugh, she hates this and doesn’t know what to do.

She squares her shoulders and knocks loudly on Cassian’s door. Ok, so maybe it’s more like banging but she wants to make sure he hears her.

She waits a minute and raises her arms to bang again when the door swings open.

Cassian is standing in front of her, eyes bleak and distant. She takes in his unkempt appearance with a sigh. Glancing around him into the room, she takes in both his appearance and the state of his flat.

She turns to him in surprise, “What in the world? Cassian, what’s wrong?”

She has never seen his place look anything other than immaculate, so the sight of blankets tossed on the floor by the couch, dirty plates and cutlery strewn about the flat, and piles of clothing dropped haphazardly on the floor is shocking.

He steps away and she slides into the room and watches him as he closes the door.

“I have been so worried about you, Cass.” Jyn stands with her arms crossed, watching him. “You haven’t answered any of your texts, don’t return any of my calls, and no else has been able to get in touch with you. What’s going on?”

Cassian has moved over to counter dividing the kitchen from the living space and simply waits. She realizes he hasn’t spoken yet and suddenly she feels a little unsure. She’s never, not once, felt unsure with Cassian and the feeling twists inside of her making her breath catch.

Maybe she misunderstood this whole situation…

“Cass?” She hates the hesitation in her voice, hates that she feels this way. “Is everything ok?”

Cassian sighs, the sound rolling around the room like a wave crashing into the shore. “What do you need, Jyn?”

She recoils at his tone, he’s never spoken to her with that tone of indifference. Sure, he’s been annoyed with her, angry at times but never this, this empty.

“I-I was worried.” She replies, lamely.

Ok, now she is angry. How dare he act like this! She is worried, they all are. In two years, he has never once disappeared the way he has for the past two weeks. This isn’t like him and something must be wrong for him to treat all his friends this way.

Least of all her.

“Look, if you’re fine and you want me to go, just say you’re fine and I will go. I just thought, since we are friends and friends look out for each other, that I would make sure you’re ok.” Jyn snaps at him.

Cassian raises his arms, “As you can see, I am fine. Don’t let me keep you from where ever you’re going.”

That tone.

“What the hell, Cassian? Clearly, you’re not fine, something is bothering you.” She wants to ask him why he’s acting this way, talking to her like she’s bothering him, treating her like she’s…she is nothing to him. But the words die in her mouth, her insecurities rising again, threatening to overwhelm her.  Maybe she really is nothing to him at all.

She just watches him as he shrugs his shoulders and turns his back to her and places his hands against the counter. She bites her lip again in nervousness, hands twisting up to catch her mother’s necklace. She feels like the air is being sucked out of the room and there is nothing she can do about it.

“Jyn, I’m fine. You can go.” His tone is flat, and she knows, just knows, she should let it go but she can’t.

 She’s always been one to push one step too far.

“Cassian. If something is wrong, please let me know. I just want to help you.” She hates that she can’t keep the plea out of her voice.

He keeps his head bent, hands flat against the counter. “You can help me by letting everyone know that I am ok. Everyone can stop texting me, to stop being so needy. I need a little bit of space, that’s all. I thought you, of all people, would get the hint and I wouldn’t have to say it out loud. I’ll call you when I can.”

The words ricochet around the room, landing in the one place guaranteed to inflict the most harm.

Jyn freezes, every muscle locks in place, bracing as the wave of hurt and shame wash over her. She slowly unclenches her fists, finger by finger, spreading them out as if to counterbalance the weight of his words. She takes a slow step back, forcing her locked muscles into action, any action.

“Ok. I can give you space, that’s not a problem.” He still has not raised his head to look at her and she shrugs, feigning a nonchalance she does not feel.  She looks over at him one more time, the hurt from his words digging underneath her skin and stabbing at the insecurities that he has now laid bare, and walks out of his flat without another word.

She knows she will never step foot in it again.


	2. Chapter 2

The call comes in at three in the morning. Nothing good ever happens at three in the morning.

His sister, Angela, is sobbing and he can’t understand anything she is saying. Mexico City is only an hour behind them in New York so he knows its late there. Or early depending on your point of view.

He tells her to slow down, take a breath, he doesn’t understand her. He listens as she slows her breathing and her next words take his breath away, rendering him immobile.

His parents, returning home from a wedding, are killed when another driver hits them traveling the wrong way.

Just like that his parents are gone; the bedrock of his family in Mexico and he finds himself adrift, unmoored. He mumbles something to Angela, promising to get out on the next flight. Of course, he will come, he will be there as soon as he can.

He hangs up the phone and stares at the floor, processing. He methodically goes through the steps he must take, one by one and starts with a call to the airlines.

He needs a flight to Mexico City today.

-

The next two weeks pass in a haze of booked flights, voice mails to his roommate Kay, sad music, funeral flowers, and endless platitudes.

_Your mother was so kind._

_Your father always helped me around the house._

_Your mother would come to visit when I was lonely, told amazing stories that made me laugh._

He drifts from conversation to conversation, listless and lost. His sister and her children keep him balanced and tethered while he listens to their soft mummering’s as they talk, listen, eat, and console those that extended their condolences.

Mindlessly, he watches as his phone flashes text after text, call after call, message after message. He finally turns it off and tosses it into the bottom of his suitcase as he plans with Angela what to do next.

Eventually he must return to New York and he promises Angela he will be back over the next month to help her settle their parent’s affairs. He is lucky that most things are in order but even as he boards the flight to New York, something is pulling on him to stay.

Even when he returns to New York, he doesn’t find the energy to do more than fling himself onto his bed and sleep for days. Kay, after expressing his remorse at Cassian’s loss, would wake him up and force him to eat but mainly left him to deal with his grief. Cassian knows he needs to call work to let them know he will be back soon, he needs to call his friends and let them know, he needs, he needs…time.

Vaguely, he knows that Jyn has come by his flat; the flat that is still a wreck from his hasty trip home. He stares at the text on his phone that indicates that she is coming over. He should reply, tell her not to bother, that he will text her when he can, but he simply can’t summon the energy to do that simple task.

But suddenly she is here, and he is still so lost in the haze of his grief, can barely summon the energy to even let her in. He remembers that he just needs her to go; he can’t put into words what he is feeling and the only thing he wants to do is call Angela and ask if he should return to Mexico. Everything inside of him is pulling him back home. 

He knows he should tell her what’s happened, tell her what is going on, but he is just so tired. So very tired.

_I need a little bit of space, that’s all._

She leaves his flat, quieter than he’s ever known her to be and he thinks about the words he used; the casual way he hurled them at her and knows he is inflicting some pain. He feels a pang of regret, remorse but tells himself he can make it right again. He just needs some time.

Soon, he tells himself.

 

 

+

 

 

It’s two months before he starts to shake the fog of grief that has layered itself around him. Two months of back and forth trips to Mexico City, two months of dealing with endless rounds of paperwork, two months of comforting his sister, two months of understanding that there is now a before and an after.

Ignoring everything of his life in New York; his friends, his job. Jyn. He relegates all of that to _before._

This is his life _after._

By the time he pulls himself out, he looks around and realizes that during these months only Kay, his friends, Chirrut and Baze, and his boss know what he has been going through. It’s not that he doesn’t want anyone to know, he just found that not speaking about it made it a little less real, less painful.

It took two months of long conversations with Angela to convince him to stay in New York, that she would be fine, and he can always come and stay anytime. That they would always have each other. She is his anchor whenever he needs it and it is time for him to move on again.

So, he tries.

He calls Jyn first but stares at his phone in surprise when it dead ends to disconnection. Huh? He tries three more times with the same result so he calls Bodhi.

Bodhi’s voice mail kicks in after four rings and Cassian hesitates, clearing his throat before he speaks, “Hey…hey Bodhi. It’s, um, it’s Cassian. I…I know it’s been awhile…um, could you call me?”

Cassian sighs and hangs up. He knows that he should not expect the warmest welcome, but he hopes he is given a chance to explain, to try and let them know some of what he has been going through. He wishes that he had been capable of letting them in these past months but at the time it seemed easier to focus on his family and let everything else slide.

He hopes he can fix things with Bodhi but really, his focus now is on finding Jyn and letting her know how so so sorry he is. He knows he hurt her, knows that he shut her out on purpose but he intends to make it up to her.

He just needs to find her.

 

 

+

 

 

“Your mistake was in your choice of words.”

Cassian knows this but hearing Chirrut say it out loud makes the devastation he carved that much more real. It’s been three months and it’s as if Jyn has dropped off the face of the earth. No one will tell him where she is, where she moved to. Bodhi stares at him with those sad eyes, head shaking no when Cassian asks for her new phone number. If looks alone could kill, he would be long gone based on the looks Leia tosses him every chance she can get. She never bothers to talk to him, lips curling in disgust when he makes any attempts to approach her.

“You called her needy, implying that the only reason for your friendship was because she clung to you and that you did not reciprocate the friendship to the depth that she did. Anyone else would just be angry at you for those words, but not Jyn. She would have taken those words to heart and carried them with her.” Chirrut’s voice is soft and devoid of judgement.

Baze grunts next to Chirrut but doesn’t comment.

Chirrut and Baze are like family to him. They own a small fitness studio around the corner from his flat and it’s where he first met Jyn. He watches her in fascination as she spars with Chirrut in a beautiful choreography of lethal motion and light dance. The lethalness of her moves contrasts starkly with the fluidity of her motion and Cassian could not stop staring.

When they were done, Chirrut inclines his head knowing Cassian has entered the room despite his blindness. “Cassian, meet Jyn, one of my favourite sparring partners.”

She is smiling shyly and from that moment, Cassian knows he is gone.

Over the next few months, they will cross paths regularly at the gym. Through conversation, Cassian discovers Jyn works with a college friend of his, Kes Dameron and soon finds himself drawn into Jyn’s tight circle of friends. He is drawn to her candor and her sense of humor, loves the way she smiles at her brother Bodhi’s bad jokes. He sees her kindness despite her endeavors to be self-deprecating, he understands her loneliness and thinks she is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.

Their relationship quickly evolves into a tight friendship and she becomes one of the most important people in his life. Her texts in the morning make him laugh, her calls in the afternoon are his lifeline, and when he sees her at Chirrut’s gym or the local bar, her smile gives him hope.

Even if she doesn’t feel the same about him, he is happy to simply be in her orbit.

Or at least, he was.

Baze leans forward, “Have you spoken to Bodhi or Kes about what happened with your parents?”

 “Yes, and I don’t know if I made it better or worse.” Cassian leans back in his seat and rubs a hand across the nape of his neck. “They were split between being horrified that I went through…that without them knowing or being able to offer help and being angry that I shut them out. I invited Bodhi to meet us here tonight, by the way, and he said he would.”

Bodhi was approaching the table as Cassian was speaking and slid into the seat next to Cassian. “Sorry I’m late, lost track of time. How are you doing, Cassian?”

Cassian knows what Bodhi’s asking, “Ok, really ok, thank you.”

He wants to ask about Jyn so bad; wants to know where she is, how she is doing, if she is ok but he knows that it’s not fair to Bodhi and he feels like his relationship with him is now tenuous at best.

It’s just that he misses her so much.

Bodhi clears his throat, “Actually…I wanted to tell you that um…Jyn is coming home for the break and Leia is hosting a small party at Han’s bar for her. Um, Jyn thought you might want to come.”

_Home for the break?_

_Jyn thought you might want to come._

Cassian isn’t sure which part of that sentence to process first, but Bodhi has kept going. “I mean, I told her last month about your parents and kind of what you had been going through. I…I hope that is ok?”

Cassian feels the implication of what Bodhi is telling him like a knife in his chest. It twists and holds there waiting to be driven in deeper. She knew about his parents this past month but chose to not reach out to him. She’s apparently moved away, must have moved out of the city for Bodhi to imply she was coming home. What he doesn’t know, is if she moved away because of what he said to her or if she was going to move anyway.

Cassian doesn’t say anything, can feel Chirrut’s gaze on him. He swallows down the bitter ash that is in his mouth and finds he doesn’t have the words to speak.

Chirrut does, though. “A party for Jyn? That sounds lovely. Baze and I would love to welcome Jyn home, even if it’s only for the weekend.”

Bodhi smiles at Chirrut, “A small gathering but we’ll all fit! I know Jyn would love to see you both. She will have a million stories for you.”

Cassian looks at Bodhi, “Where is Jyn?”

Bodhi flushes, “Yeah, about that. I know she had planned to tell you, before, but then whatever happened between you happened and…. look, I have never seen her that devastated. Cassian, I don’t know what happened, kinda don’t want to know, but whatever it was, it kind of broke…it kind of set her back a bit.”

Cassian feels the impact of Bodhi’s words as the knife drives itself deeper into his chest, compressing the air out of him. Fuck, he is a bastard. He knew about Jyn’s childhood, how she and Bodhi had to rely on each other. She had told him on one of their late-night phone calls how much her friends meant to her and he essentially threw that friendship away.  

_“It’s hard to trust people, Cassian.” Jyn’s voice grows quieter, white noise fading in the background. “I can count on one hand the people I trust. You all mean so much to me and I am just happy…to have you…guys in my life.”_

_Cassian grips the phone closer to him, wishing he could reach through and be there with her. “I get it. I was lucky, Jyn. I have my family and they have always been there for me. You should meet my Mama, she will love you.”_

_Wait, did he just ask her to meet his mother? Cassian flushes but wants to know what she says._

_“Sounds nice, Cass. I bet she’s amazing.” Her voice is wistful._

_“She is, and I mean it, Jyn, she will love you.”_

“Where is she, Bodhi?” Cassian repeats himself.

“She moved to Boston. She was accepted into a grad program and had been toying with the idea of accepting. I think after…after that night…it made the decision easier for her.” Bodhi is hesitant, not wanting to reveal too much, not wanting to hurt Cassian more than he already is.

“How long is the program? Do you know if she is coming back to New York when it’s over? Can I have her number?” Cassian can’t help himself, it’s as if this is the only time anyone will tell him anything about Jyn and he wants to get every question out before it’s too late.

“The program is a year, so it’ll be over next spring, but I don’t know what her plans are after. And no, I can’t give you her number. You’ll have to ask her when you see her next week.” Bodhi shrugs helplessly at Cassian and watches as Cassian slumps in the seat.

Baze leans over, “Do you want me to get you a drink at the bar, Bodhi? We ordered some food already, so that should be here soon.”

Bodhi snags the conversation change enthusiastically, “I can go, thanks! Get you guys anything?”

He stands and heads over to the bar to place his order after everyone declines and Chirrut leans over to Cassian, “She wants you there, that means something.” 

Cassian nods and stares quietly at his drink.

It probably means she wants to tell him to stay out of her life, to his face. No less than he deserves.

But the thought of never seeing her again hurts and he knows that he must tell her how he feels, even if means opening himself up to her rejection. He thinks about everything he did wrong, everything he could take back and pushes it deep down inside. He can’t change the past, just needs to move forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will have the last chapter up this weekend. Come hit me up on tumblr any time, [leaiorganas](https://leaiorganas.tumblr.com/)!


	3. Chapter 3

She stands at the entrance to the bar, hesitation evident in her stance. She takes a deep breath, settling her nerves as she simply stares at the closed door. She knows she should go in but she’s just anxious, has been anxious all day. She shivers as she notices the darkness settling around the city and a cool breeze accompanying it reminding her that’s fall and that she should just bite the bullet and go inside.

_Was it possible to feel so alone and yet be surrounded by people every day?_

She feels a hand touch her arm, calling her back from her musings. She looks into concerned eyes, Bodhi leaning close, “Where are you, Jyn?”

She has the grace to blush and dips her head to one side. “Here. Sorry this weather makes me a bit melancholy for summer, I didn’t realize how chilly the evenings had gotten. Funny how you crave one thing and when you finally have it, you realize how much you miss what you had.”

Bodhi leans into her, “Why do I think we are no longer talking about the weather?”

“I just miss New York. More than I thought I would. I mean, I love Boston and Boston has been good to me, but I am eager to come home as well.”

“I’m happy that you’re home although I’m not convinced it is just New York that you miss.” His eyes drill into her, she feels slightly cornered.

“Let’s go inside, yeah?” Jyn squares her shoulders, turning to face the door. 

Bodhi reaches out to hold her elbow lightly as he accompanies her to the door. He follows her as she makes her way through the door, closing it behind him.

Neither one of them sees the solitary figure standing on the corner, the streetlamp silhouetting his profile.

 

 

+

 

 

Standing outside the bar and watching Bodhi follow her in, Cassian feels something twist inside his stomach. Disgusted with himself, he shakes his head and wonders, not for the first time, how he ended up here.  Sighing, he runs his hand over his face and debates with himself if he should just go home. He knows this is a mistake but the only thing he wants to do is see Jyn. He wants to know what she has been doing these past months, has she enjoyed her time in Boston, is she coming back? He keeps expecting her to call him out of the blue, show up at his flat, to come back to…to come back.

But she never does.

He wishes that he could have summoned the courage to face Jyn when he had told her to leave, he wants to go back in time and at the very least, face her when he levels his harsh words. He did what he thought was the easiest way to get her to leave in that moment in time. What he hadn’t expected was the hurt and sorrow that had washed over him, how he was taken aback with regret at the way his words would have hurt her and wants the chance to explain to her, to fix this broken link between them.

But she is gone now, no longer a part of his life and it fills him with remorse.

Shaking his head, he glances up and makes up his mind. He walks into the building and half expects the record to scratch and cut out as the music stops when he enters, persona non-grata, but his entrance is a footnote in the moment. He notices Jyn and Bodhi at the bar first, laughing and talking with Leia. Eyes sweeping the room, he sees Chirrut and Baze huddled at a table and Baze lifts his arm quietly in greeting while leaning in to say something in Chirrut’s ear.

Cassian nods back and weaves his way over to their table. “Hey.”

Chirrut smiles at him as he takes a seat, “Will Kay be able to join us tonight?”

Cassian nods as he says, “He’s going to try and make it later.”

“Good, good. How are you?”

“Fine. Good. I wasn’t sure if I should really come tonight but….”

“Here you are.”

“Here I am.”

“So, go and do what you came here to do.”

“And what’s that exactly?”

“Talk to her. She is waiting.”

Cassian startles and turns towards the bar and sees Jyn press her lips together as she glances and him and quickly turns back to Bodhi. His eyes trace every detail, linger over her, seeking out the minute changes that may have occurred in the months since he last saw her. She still looks so beautiful and warm to him, still holds him captive in a glance.

He is as entranced by her as the day he met her.

Sighing, he stands and makes his way over towards Jyn. She glances up as he approaches, and he watches as she lays her hand on Bodhi’s arm and says something to him. Bodhi turns and smiles at Cassian, gives him a quick wave as Jyn walks towards Cassian, meeting him halfway. They manage to move into a small alcove giving them a small amount of privacy.

“Hey.” Jyn holds a bottle in her hand loosely, shifting her weight.

“Hey.” Cassian feels his heart start to race, can feel it tumbling around as he faces Jyn. It’s been months since he has heard her voice and it makes him ache with want. “You look great.”

“Thanks.” Jyn says, tilting her head down in acknowledgement. “Um, I’m sorry about your parents. I wish…I’m sorry that you had to go through that alone.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Cassian doesn’t know how to put into words what the loss did to him. “I’m still dealing with it but yeah, thank you.”

He starts to ask her why she didn’t call him, reach out to him after Bodhi told her what had happened. The thought of her indifference burns inside of him and he struggles to marry the Jyn he knew with the person who could do that.

Jyn rushes to fill the silence that has settled between, the uncomfortable silence of two strangers meeting for the first time. “Cassian, I am so so sorry that I did not reach out. There is no excuse, none, for that. You were my best friend and I should have let you know how sorry I was for your lost. I should have made it clear to you that I would be there for you…if you wanted me to. I…I guess I just failed there and I can’t say sorry enough.”

_Were my best friend._

He swallows, hard, forcing his questions and everything he wants to ask her down. He doesn’t know where to begin so he falls back on conversation fillers. “So, how’s Boston? Do you love it there?”

Selfishly, he wants the answer to be no, that she hates it and can’t wait to come home.

“I like it. The class is great, and I am meeting new people. You know, putting myself out there like you always told me to.” She smiles at him, shyly and his heart turns again.

“Yeah, Bodhi told me that you got into the grad class a while ago. I’m proud of you, Jyn. I know it’s something you talked about and I am glad that you decided to pursue it.”

“Yeah, well, I debated it for some time and then…it just worked out.” She shrugs, her gaze slipping to her bottle. The silence stretches again, low and taunt, ready to snap.

“Um, look, would it be possible to get your new number? Maybe I can call you sometime? We can really catch up” Cassian’s voice is full of hope.

Jyn looks away, not meeting his eyes, “Yeah, not sure that’s a good idea, you know? I..I think it’s been good for me to be on my own, be away for a little bit and I like that I’ve been able to do that.”

Cassian flushes and nods, of course she would. “Yeah, sure. I understand.”

“Well, I’m glad that you are doing better, and I am glad that you were able to come tonight. It was good to see you, Cassian. I have to catch up with the others.” She smiles briefly, and pivots to head back to the bar but turns to give him a quick wave.

Cassian sighs as he watches her walk away.

He turns to try and get out of the bar as quickly as possible, and he is waylaid by Chirrut and Baze who stop him before he can escape. “Are you leaving so soon? You haven’t even been here an hour and you said Kay is coming.”

Cassian says, quickly running his hands through his hair, “Yeah, I think I’m done for tonight.”

Chirrut stares at him, on the point of saying something, but when he nods silently as Cassian turns away, to stop as he asks, “Will you follow her?”

Cassian turns to watch Jyn at the bar, eyes tracing over every detail as if to imprint them into his memory. She is laughing at something Bodhi is saying; relaxed in a way that dares anyone to ruin this moment.

“I don’t think so, Chirrut – she left for a reason and the way I treated her….she doesn’t owe me anything.” He looks back at the two men that have been his confidantes and his courage these last months and the corner of his mouth lifts in a small, sad smile.

“And Jyn? Will you miss her?”

“All the rest of my life.” He turns away, heading for the bar’s exit before anyone else can intercept him.

Mostly he wants to avoid Chirrut’s knowing stare. He steps outside and turns up the collar of his coat to ward off the chill of the late fall weather. He takes a left and starts to head down the street, he should be home in ten minutes and he can start to put this whole night behind him.

“Cassian! Cassian!” He turns around in surprise at the sound of Jyn yelling. She is rushing towards him, clutching something in her hand. He watches as she races up to him and is surprised to see tears in her eyes.

She stops in front of him, a napkin in her hand. “Cassian. I’m an idiot, I’m sorry, I thought I could be…just um, this aloof person and I can’t. I just can’t. I’m sorry but I…we…we can’t do this to each other. I mean, you mean so so much to me and I can’t imagine not having you in my life. It’s been so hard, and I’ve missed you so much. So much.”

She stumbles through and it’s as if the dam has opened and she must get all the words out before she loses her nerve. She stretches out her hand clutching the white napkin in her hand, “Here. It’s my number. Call me, please, maybe we can get coffee or something. Or just meet up. So, we can talk. Talk and catch up.”

The tears are pouring out and she swipes at them angrily, “Damn, Leia is going to be so mad I am ruining her make-up. Ok? Call me and we can talk. I’m here for another week. Ok?”

He looks at her, his breath caught in his throat and he doesn’t know what to do with this gift he has been given. He knows he has to say something, Jyn was always braver than he could be. “Jyn, Jyn, yes! Please, thank you.”

Not exactly the best but she seems to understand and acting on impulse he leans in and gathers her close in a hug. She stretches up on her toes and wraps her arms around his neck and he breathes a sigh against her hair. “I’ve missed you, too, Jyn. So very much.”

They stand that way for a moment until Jyn shivers in his arms and he pulls back to see that she doesn’t have her coat on. He reluctantly releases his arms from around her and she smiles at him, “So call me, yeah? I have to get back, my party and all, but ok?”

“Ok.” He smiles and watches as she turns and walks back to the bar.

He wonders if it would be too early to call her when he gets home.

 

 

+

 

 

Cassian calls her the next afternoon and she hesitates before asking if he wants to come by her flat later that evening. She has afternoon plans but if he wants to meet her for a quick drink around dinner time, she would be around. He agrees quietly, and she hangs up knowing she is being silly in that she feels more comfortable, somehow, having him come over to her. She is not quite ready to return to his flat.

She fidgets as she waits for Cassian and when there is a soft knock on the door, it startles her slightly. Pushing herself up off the couch, she approaches it with a small amount of trepidation and takes a deep breath before opening the door.

“Cassian.”

He still looks as beautiful to her as the first day she saw him at the gym. He watches her quietly and she turns to let him in. She turns and makes her way into the kitchen, she was definitely having a glass of wine. Liquid courage. She pulls out two glasses and indicates the bottle. Cassian has followed behind her and shakes his head, “No, thank you.”

She smiles and shrugs before pouring the wine for herself. “So.”

Cassian leans against the wall and smiles. “So.”

She laughs quietly and indicates that she is moving back into the living room so Cassian trails after her. She points to the couch and waves her hand, telling him to sit, “Thank you for coming over, Cass. I wasn’t really sure if you would.”

Cassian stares at her, finding himself a little caught off balance. He wasn’t sure what he expected from her, but he did know he hadn’t expected this casual greeting and relaxed attitude. She welcomes him back into her home without much after thought and that surprises him.

“I wasn’t sure if you would want me here, if you would rather meet somewhere more neutral.”

She slides her eyes to his, not hiding the hurt that darkens them. “Why Cassian? You’ve been here a million times before and…you’re always welcome here. Bodhi is your friend as well as mine.” She places her glass carefully on the coffee table.

Cassian watches her, and she can see him weighing his words carefully. Everything he did was so measured, thought out, and it was frustrating. She wants to grab his shirt and just…. shake him.

“You know what, don’t bother. This isn’t going to get us anywhere, I don’t even know where to being. I thought that we were working towards something together, you didn’t. I got hurt, let’s move on.” She grabs her wine from the table and drains the last of the wine in the glass. She starts to get up

His hand brushes against hers to stay her, “There is something. There. Between us. Always has been, Jyn.”

The words are uttered so quietly, she almost misses them. She waits.

“I don’t…I don’t know how to say…. what to say, but know that I was sorry, am sorry…” he trails off, looking everywhere but at her.

She leans closer to him, “Why are you sorry? Sorry about that night, about the way you pushed all of us away? God, Cassian, when I think of what you went through alone…” her voice trails off, but she needs him to be clear, needs him to say it.

“Sorry that I wasted all the time since I met you. I should have told you how I felt about you.”

Jyn hesitates, face flushing with shame, “Cassian, I am sorry I didn’t call you. I should have been there for you and even after, I should have reached out and I was just selfish. I’m sorry.”

Cassian stands up, holding her hand tighter. “We’re both a sorry mess, I guess.”

 Jyn leans into his frame, hovering slightly. She brings her hand to rest on the back of his neck, allowing it to wander into his hair. She isn’t really touching him but can feel his chest rising up and down, inhaling around her.

“You look…” he trails off and she stands there inhaling the scent of him, all Cassian. He is making her slightly dizzy. “I look what?” She breathes.

“Amazing. I’ve tried to pretend but I’ve missed you so much.” He pulls on her arms, dragging her closer, arms sliding around her ribcage. “I think about you all the time.”

His mouth is hot, spicy and tastes of honey and she had never tasted anything this good. His tongue teases hers and the kiss deepens into something more profound. She pulls back and stares at him. He leans his forehead down to hers, “I am sorry that I hurt you and if I could go back and change that day, I would. Honestly, I would change so many things about the past year, but I would take back hurting you.”

She pulls back, gently and starts to pull her hand away, but he reaches out and grazes her shoulder, then slides oh so-slowly down her arm. The soft material of her tee shirt clings to her skin as his fingers sweep downward, over her bicep and forearm. His warm skin caresses her wrist a moment before his fingers skimmed over her palm and twined with hers.

“Cassian, what did you mean when you say what you felt about me?” Jyn bites her lip in a nervous gesture and lets her eyes look somewhere over his shoulder. “Because I like you a lot…more than a friend, you mean more to me than just as a friend…and you should know that.”

He takes a step forward and closes the gap between them. She scarcely has a moment to pull in a breath before his lips touches hers. A whisper of a kiss. So soft and warm and fleeting, she could have dreamed it. But then his mouth touches hers again and her eyelids flutter close. This is no dream.

Cassian’s lips presses to hers for only a heartbeat before they simultaneously open their mouths. His tongue slips past her teeth and sweep over hers. His free hand cups her cheek as his body melds to hers. Their clothes, their skin, the heat that arcs between them does a wicked number on her insides. Her entire body moves into sensory overload as his tongue delves deeper, teasing hers, tangling with it in a sensual dance that leaves her molten and damn near singed to the core.

Her fingers skim over his side, up his rib cage. She clasps a fistful of now-limp white cotton, literally clutching at him, holding him to her. His hand, in turn, moves from her face and pulls gently through her hair, his fingers burrowing deep in the long strands.

The sounds and smells of the flat faded into non-existence. All that registers is the feel of his lips on hers, the tantalizing sweep of his tongue, the warmth and strength of his fingers as they cradle her head, the heat and sensuality that engulfs her. This is how she’d dreamed of being kissed by him.

As he gently pulls away, she finds herself leaning forward, chasing after him. She feels the connection being broken as he moves away from her but knows it really hasn’t been broken. Even as he steps back, his fingers relaxing and his hand slipping from her hair, she feels the connection between them stronger than it was before. It was powerful, yet heartwarming, they could be friends and maybe…maybe something more.

“Jyn, ask me to stay.” His voice is low, edges rough and laced with desire.

She pulls back opens her eyes reluctantly, meeting his eyes to gauge him. She places a hand on the side of his face, “No, not tonight. But I think we’re both serious about this and I…I do want this. We just need to work on us…first.”

His eyes cloud with frustration, but he steps back, running a hand through his hair, ruffling it even more than it already was. He turns and grabs his coat, weighing his words carefully.

“Have dinner with me tomorrow night. And every night this week. I don’t want to waste another moment before you leave. OK?”

“Ok, yes.”

 He leans in to kiss her one more time but stops himself with visible effort. Instead he tucks a stray strand of her hair behind her ear and smiles before leaving.

 

 

+

 

 

He paces as he waits at the train station for her train to come in from Boston. The past five months have been unbearable and though he and Jyn have spoken practically every night since she went back, it just isn’t the same. He needs to see her, hold her, make sure she’s back in his life for good. He almost said fuck it and thought about quitting his job and just move to Boston to be with her. Kay had to talk him off that ledge.

“Cassian!”

And just like that, she’s there dragging her rolling bag behind her. She looks like every perfect moment of his life and she is smiling at him like he means the same to her. He rushes to her and she laughs as he swings her into a hug, face burrowing into her neck.

He is finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and the support! Fine me on tumblr anytime, [leaiorganas](https://leaiorganas.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> What is wrong with Cassian? Ugh, promise this is going to end loving and hopeful!
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr anytime, [leaiorganas](https://leaiorganas.tumblr.com/)


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